When a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is truly loving, it feels alive. At Achieving Joy, we envision relationships as fields of possibility to grow everything that honors each person involved. For this reason, they require intentional care and attention- just like any living thing. 

As those of us who are plant parents know, keeping our babies well is no easy task! In order for them to not just survive, but thrive, we must nourish them properly. Moreover, when it comes to gardening or farming, before we can even begin putting seeds in the soil, specific steps must be followed in order to yield the best crops; the same is true for relationships.

In order to harvest what you desire in partnerships, you must first determine what to plant in your field. By showing up today, you’ve decided to grow assurity. This program will provide the seeds for you to nurture. 

Moving forward, after deciding what you’d like to plant, there is one more essential step before you begin: preparing the ground for cultivation. This is done by ridding it of things that aren’t conducive to the health and wealth of your plants. In relationships, this process is what Achieving Joy calls the Clearing.

Clearing (as in clearing the ground) is potentially the most important work you’ll be doing on this journey. It is all about understanding your own individual conceptualizations of love and relationships. Additionally, through this work, we will learn how to acknowledge and release any beliefs that no longer serve us. Overall, the Clearing involves generational and relational healing while figuring out the root of certain mindsets we hold.

Following are some activities and questions to be considered separately. We advise that you complete one a day because each will require intentional time and attention.

Quite often, we unknowingly form habits/behaviors that are based on patterns we’re repeating. When dating, these patterns can look like always asking a specific set of questions during courtship or “tests” we secretly administer to evaluate our potential partner’s actions. 

Once in a relationship, we began to engage with these patterns on a deeper level. I like to call this behavior our Autopilot Default Nature. For example, think about your initial response/behavior when you’re desiring closeness, afraid, or upset. What’s the first thing you do after having sex? 

How do you respond when your partner tells you no? Take some time to think about your autopilot behaviors, the things you do now without thinking deeply about them.

Our guardian(s) and environment significantly impact how we come to understand relationships- sometimes without us even realizing! Think about the patterns you listed in the previous exercise. Do you think they were consciously created? The below activities will help you begin to identify where they came from and why they were established. We highly recommend completing both, but understand if that isn’t possible for any reason (i.e. lack of familial information or finding the exercise overwhelming). 

Part 1: Complete the Family Profile for at least two generations back by answering the 
following question. Incorporate as much information as possible regarding what you know about your family members’ relationships. 

What was your parents and/or other caregivers’ relationship with themselves, spouse(s)/romantic partner(s), you, your siblings, and others in general? 

Note: Parents can be biological, adoptive, or otherwise. Caregivers can be aunts, uncles, grandparents, godparents, or other persons who played a major role in your upbringing.
 Feel free to use the blank grid on the next page if need be.

Part 2: Please fill in the remaining circles with any non-familial relationships you observed. Include anyone or anything (television shows, teachers, family friends, etc.) that impacted your understanding of relationships during your childhood. State what you learned from them and how following (or not following) their examples impacted your relationships.

As we saw yesterday, our personal journeys influence how we understand the world around us. Even more, they affect the meaning we assign to words. In any type of relationship, miscommunication can cause unnecessary and intense conflict. Especially when it seems like all involved are saying the same thing, but meaning different things. This activity will help you see your understanding of the below topic/words and how that understanding may (or may not) differ from others. 

Without overthinking, write the first things that come to mind when you read the following topics/words 

At Achieving Joy, we believe- though gender is a social construct- it plays a major role in how we know as well as understand ourselves. Additionally, it can impact how we view our partner and the expectations we create for them. Take a moment and explore below the role gender plays in your interactions with others. 

How do you conceptualize your role in relationships based on your gender (or lack thereof)? 

How do you conceptualize your partners’ roles in relationships based on their gender (or lack thereof)? 

Where did these conceptualizations come from and how do you feel they’ve impacted your 
 relationships over time?

Now that you’ve taken some time to self-evaluate, here’s a moment to 
 explore some of your desires. Becoming clear on this for yourself will 
 ultimately help you communicate these wants and needs more effectively. 

Over the past few days, you’ve done some deep diving. As we mentioned before we began, this work is extremely brave. I hope you’re proud of yourself! Take a moment to look back over everything then answer the below question: 

What would I need to clear within myself in order to curate my vision of assurity?  (This can be in your current or next relationship)